It’s interesting that we expect two people — often raised in very different families, with different communication styles, values and ways of coping — to find one another, fall in love and somehow live happily ever after. We rarely stop to consider the skill set that’s actually required to navigate a lifetime together
I’m not suggesting that committing to a long-term relationship isn’t a wonderful idea. It absolutely can be. But alongside the love, companionship and shared history comes a whole lot of everything else: conflict, disappointment, repair, growth, compromise and hopefully, plenty of laughter
I’ve always been fascinated by how couples manage their relationships. Truthfully, my own marriage could probably be a case study. My husband likes to joke that “our marriage is a constant therapy session.” My mother had her own version of relationship humor. She used to say, “Do you know how many times I’ve divorced your father in my head?” They were married for 52 years
That perspective has stayed with me
My hope with this column is to offer insight, perspective and a little humor — not only as a therapist who works with couples, but as someone who is also part of a couple. The truth is that no amount of professional training exempts us from being human
One of the primary approaches I use in my practice is the Gottman Method, one of the most well-researched, evidence-based models for couples therapy. While many therapeutic approaches can be effective, the Gottman Method is supported by decades of research conducted by doctors John and Julie Gottman, who have spent more than 40 years studying what helps relationships thrive — and what causes them to unravel.
Perhaps their most well-known contribution is the concept of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” In terms of relationships, these are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. These communication patterns tend to appear when couples become stuck in cycles of conflict. Left unchecked, they slowly erode trust, connection and emotional safety
Take defensiveness, for example. Imagine telling your partner that you’d appreciate more help around the house, specifically with folding and putting away the laundry. Instead of hearing your request, they respond, “I can’t believe you’re asking me that after I unloaded the dishwasher,” or, “Fine — but then you should start cooking more.”
Suddenly the conversation is no longer about laundry. It’s become a scorecard
When this happens repeatedly, the person making the request often stops asking altogether. They think, Why bother? Every time I bring something up, it turns into an argument. Resentment quietly begins to replace communication
Stonewalling creates a different kind of damage. Imagine you forget to pick your child up from camp because you were stuck in a meeting and your phone was on silent. The camp reaches your partner, everything works out, but when you get home your partner refuses to speak to you for the rest of the evening
The silence becomes the punishment
Stonewalling shuts down meaningful communication and often leaves the other person feeling ashamed, isolated and unsure how to repair the situation. It may feel protective to the person withdrawing, but it rarely helps resolve the conflict
What I often see in my office is that these moments are rarely just about the laundry or the forgotten pickup. More often, they’re symptoms of hurts and resentments that have accumulated over time without being acknowledged
One of the most important things I tell couples is this: conflict is inevitable. It isn’t evidence that a relationship is failing. It’s part of being human
Handled well, conflict can deepen understanding, strengthen intimacy and create opportunities for growth. It becomes toxic when it is avoided, mismanaged or fueled by chronic negativity
Every relationship is influenced by each person’s history, personality, family dynamics, attachment style and life experiences. That complexity deserves compassion. The more we understand our own vulnerabilities and blind spots, the more capable we become of extending grace to the person sitting across from us
Recently, I read something about long-term commitment that has stayed with me. The author suggested that one of the central tasks of a lasting relationship is learning to tolerate what feels, at times, completely intolerable about the other person
That doesn’t mean accepting unhealthy behavior or abandoning healthy boundaries. It means recognizing that every person we love comes with qualities that will inevitably frustrate us
A healthy marriage isn’t built on loving only the easiest parts of someone. It’s built on learning how to stay connected through the difficult parts, too
The goal isn’t to eliminate differences. It’s to keep those differences from becoming the defining feature of the relationship
Perhaps that’s what long-term commitment really asks of us: not perfection, but curiosity instead of certainty; humility instead of defensiveness; repair instead of winning; and enough compassion to remember that the person across from us is imperfect, just like we are
Michelle Miscione is a licensed therapist and has offices in Aspen and Carbondale. She can be contacted at 970-987-4180 or through her websitemmphd.com
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